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Well, here we are. 2008. New beginnings and all that cal. It would be difficult for it to be worse than last year, and that’s no lie. I’d like to take Last Year and carve obscenities into it’s filthy hide.

Stupid 2007.

It’s amazing i didn’t drown in it’s iniquities. Although, I don’t think the imagery of “drowning”is valid anymore when you’ve been doing it for so long, you’ve evolved into something with gills as a survival mechanism.
However, i’ll be moving into my own place on Tuesday, and i am so excited i could eat sharks and spit minnows. The Boy will be very happy, once he’s back. Never mind where he went. Those of you who need to know, already do. And no, it’s not prison - Jesus. He’s 16, which works in his favor in at least that aspect, i suppose.

Stupid teenagers.

I love the little reprobate, god help me. Lately, life has pretty much been all about work and The Spawn of my Loins. I’ve been trying at this whole having a boyfriend business, but i just don’t seem to have anything left in me these days. Nor does he, having just lost his father.
Sigh.
Nothing is ever easy, is it.
But i’m making a valiant attempt at trying to keep my head down and moving forward. Things really only can get better now that we’re home, and we’re doing what we need to in order to keep ourselves sane and healthy. It’s going to be a long road, but at least we’re on the damn road, as opposed to dragging around all over the damn country. And outlying islands.

At least, we’re home.

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I've done myself an impossible crime
Had to paint myself a hole
And fall inside
If it's far enough in sight and rhyme
I get to wear another dress
And count in time...

~ The Shins

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Losing the star without a sky
Losing the reasons why
You're losing the calling that you've been faking
And i'm not kidding

It's damned if you don't and it's damned if you do
Be true
'cause they'll lock you up in a sad sad zoo
Oh what you trying to prove
By hiding you're not worth a thing

Sew your fortunes on a string
And hold them up to light
Blue smoke will take
A very violent flight
And you will be changed
And everything
And you will be in a very sad sad zoo.

I once was lost
but now i'm found
was blind
But now I see you
How selfish of you to believe
in the meaning of all the bad dreaming

Metal heart you're not hiding
Metal heart you're not worth a thing

- "Metal Heart", Cat Power

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The day drags by like a wounded animal
The approaching disease, 92 degrees
The blood in our veins and the brains in our head
The approaching unease, 92 degrees
Long ago in the headlines, they noticed it too
But too late for the loved ones and nearly for you .....

Shaky lines on the horizon
Snakey lines invade each person
Watch the red line creeping upwards
Watch the sanity line weaken
The volcanic depths of hades’ ocean
Bubble under, these crazed eruptions
It wriggles and wrythes and bites within,
Just below the sweating sun...

92 degrees, Siouxsie and the Banshees

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my son

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All this feels strange and untrue
And I won't waste a minute without you
My bones ache, my skin feels cold
And I'm getting so tired and so old

The anger swells in my guts
And I won't feel these slices and cuts
I want so much to open your eyes
'Cause I need you to look into mine

Tell me that you'll open your eyes

Get up, get out, get away from these liars
'Cause they don't get your soul or your fire
Take my hand, knot your fingers through mine
And we'll walk from this dark room for the last time

Every minute from this minute now
We can do what we like anywhere
I want so much to open your eyes
'Cause I need you to look into mine

Tell me that you'll open your eyes

All this feels strange and untrue
And I won't waste a minute without you

~ Snow Patrol

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…especially considering what a comedy of errors ensued next.
Like a bad romantic comedy from the 1950’s, the next week was a mess of crossed signals and missed meetings, all without having even spoken to each other yet, let alone seeing each other - with his poor sister as the messenger.
Hallowe’en night, both of us looking (i hear) about as attractive as anyone can get in a hideous rotting old-man mask (him) and a blood-spattered dead prom-queen outfit, complete with smeared Tammy Faye Baker makeup and simulated slit-throat (me) - hoping to meet for the first time after four years - both of us looking as ugly as we could possibly manage for the occasion.
(you can see why i like this guy)
Well, we ended up at different bars after attending different parties - each thinking the other one had chickened out or had a change of heart or whatever. But, Sister Mary to the rescue again (i swear her talents are wasted in the Police force - she should be a yiddish match-maker).

“So, there’s this thing happening where my other brother’s bartending this weekend - (note: there are like 9,000 brothers in this family, but i always know which one she’s referring to) - and my Brother will be there (yeah, that brother). You should come.”
“Oh yeah? So…where is this bar, exactly?”

*~*~*~*~*~

Because i’m a total chickenshit, Mary picked Elkin and i up (the Elk and i went to see a Michael Gira show beforehand) so in case her brother decided to kill me, she could do her civic duty as a cop and protect me from his wrath; which turned out to be unnecessary after all. All he did was crack my ribs a little when he hugged me. He’s a big guy, so i’m guessing that was more out of affection than any desire to puncture my lung.
He told me how he’d missed me, and how happy he is i’m back, and a few other things that are none of your damn business…

Suffice it to say, i was all .

Le Sigh…

And he’s still the best damn kisser.

…particularly when you found one but then moved across an entire ocean without even saying goodbye because the father of your son had a psychotic breakdown and you were stuck on an Island for over a year trying to get everyone’s shit together. And then spent yet another 3 years in the middle of the desert trying to bury yourself in the sand.

You’d think he’d never want to talk to me again. Shit, i’d probably never want to talk to me again.

The truth is, i’m a coward. Because when i got back in town, naturally my thoughts drifted in his direction - but (also naturally) i assumed he’d hate my lily-livered guts for being such an asshole. He even called me when i was in Hawai’i, but i was so caught up in the chaos of my fucked up situation that all i could think of to do was just shut down and not tell anyone what was going on. Because i’m cool like that. Tough girl and all that.

So anyway, when Ronne the Elder - my old room-mate here in Chicago - asked me over a beer at Bruno’s if i had seen JR since my return, i said, rather sheepishly, “no - i’d like to but i think he probably hates my guts. Why, has he heard i’m back? He hates my guts doesn’t he?”.
“No,” Ronne the Elder replied, chuckling in that infuriating way he has when people are being obtuse - “actually i think you should get in touch with him.”

Well, naturally i spit beer through my nose and gazed at my friend in abject terror. “What are you saying?” i squeaked.
The Elder, in his typical vague style, simply took a sip of his beer and said - “Oh, i’m not saying anything, really”, and started talking about the weather.
Sometimes, i get the distinct impression that he enjoys making my brain implode.
“Well,” i said, “in any case i’d really like to see his sister too…that is if she doesn’t hate me too…”
Which i did, just the next day.
After catching up and having a drink, she turned to me and asked, “So - have you seen my brother yet?”
“Er, well - actually,” i stammered like a teenager with a speech impediment, “i meant to ask you about him…how is he doing? Does he ever come to Bruno’s anymore?”
“He’s good - he’s in the Academy now. And no, he doesn’t really come around here too much since you left - but i think he’d show up if he knew you were here…some night…if you let me know when you’ll be around…”
“Really? Why, does he want to kill me?”
“Yes really, and no, not because he wants to kill you”, she replied, laughing at me.

Why is everyone laughing at me, i am beginning to wonder…

Well, i’m liking the new job - i’m constantly busy, and i get to hang out with felines all day.  Cats, i understand.  They like their solitude (except when they don’t), and dig affection (except when they’re not digging it), and they know how to take care of themselves.  They have claws and aren’t afraid to use them.

Not that i don’t like dogs, but lets face it - anything that shoves it’s face in your crotch and jumps in your face on a regular basis is probably not all that bright.

Anyway, i have a day off today, in which i am trying to find things to do to amuse myself before i have to do the errands that are necessary such as grocery shopping and going to my son’s school to talk to the people the health care facility.  Laundry was taken care of yesterday.  Mostly, i’m trying to stay away from the apartment so that our host Jon has some time to himself.  We’ve been there about a month now, and hopefully will have a place to stay relatively soon, but i know our presence hardly thrills him.

Anyway.  I really shouldn’t be writing as i seem to have left my wit at the bottom of the shower-drain, along with the clumps of hair.

Perhaps i’ll go downtown, and re-acquaint myself with my hometown a little more.

Ta.

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I live in da kine paradise
where ambulance screams
rip through
the seams
of mornings
where plumeria flows
through the air
like a stream
And spirits walk
alongside the winos
and gods tread water
in the ocean
with your daughters
luring them deeper
into the waves of
lava-born streets
so that they disappear
the second you look away
swimming out
naked and fearless
Anonymous
amid the Japanese brides
and Polynesian hookers
becoming just another
Woman
in the endless stream
she takes Pele's face
and looks out
at her brave
new world
through newly blessed eyes
she melts into the streets
a goddess in disguise

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Pretty little poppet
at the foot of your bed
China blue eyes
and lips of red
Porcelain and pink
beneath my dress
Your hands find me
still and powerless
You coax me
and induce me
grip me close
then let me fall
Disarrange my limbs
like a doll
Lay me down
and I'll call your name
with a flush in my cheek
that never fades
Eyes fluttering
with your rhythm
as you fill me
Your motion instills me
with the spark
that brings me
to life +

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Hallowe'en is my favorite holiday.
So i'm dedicating this week to All Hallow's Eve - replete with spooky images galore.


Boo!

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Memory
calls to me
like a thousand echoes
like cacophony of birds
i cock my head
expectantly
but i can't quite
make out
the words...

I seem to have some kind of sinus-thing happening. It feels as if all the teeth in the right side of my face are slowly imploding all at once, then regrowing only to implode again.

And again.

Fortunately, i’ll be starting a real job on Monday - one that has such progressive things as insurance. Probably, every tooth in my head will need to be replaced. I think i’ll go for a mouth full of gold caps, with little rubies in them. That would be sweet. Plus, anything is better than having the entire right side of your mouth pulsating like some grotesque, red and pulpy…pulsating thing. It’s hard to be my usual charming and pleasant self with this horripilating pain going on.

*~*~*~*~*~*

In other news, the poetry reading at the Ennui went really well. You know you’re on the right track when the table of nattering co-eds actually shuts up for you. I’ll be doing another with my old friend Miley on the 1st, so if you are in the Hood, check us out. I’ll post a reminder in a few days…
On that note, i’m re-doing my Photos & Poetry Project page. Many groveling bows to Jay Soto for the excellent template he designed for Pixelpost. Now it looks all snazzy and shit. All that needs to be done is an install on the server so that my thumbnails display properly, then we’ll be all good. There’s not much up at the moment, but i’ll be adding material daily.
Sadly, my laptop is on strike at the moment, so any new material will have to wait. But i have enough of a backlog at the moment which will carry me for a little bit.

Stupid technology.

Tonight i’m doing my first poetry reading in years…a bit nerve-wracking, as usual. I always have terrible stage-fright the first few times in a new venue, and as it’s been ages since i’ve read anywhere, i’m having fantasies of feigning some terrible illness just so i can get out of it.

I’m such a 14-year old geek.

Lots of people i know will be there - i’ve asked that everyone bring tomatoes to throw at me, as part of the performance piece. I was joking, but knowing my friends, someone will actually do it and i’ll get a good laugh. One can only hope.

If nobody throws things at me and if i make it through the evening without puking, seizing, or soiling myself, i’ll celebrate by going out with The Gang and having a beer or five. If, on the other hand, the evening is a horrific and mortifying mess, then i will go out with The Gang and have a shot of Malort.

Now, read this.

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And everytime it rains
you're here in my head
like the sun coming out
I just know that something good is gonna happen
i don't know when
but just saying it could even make it happen...

~ Kate Bush, "cloudbusting"

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